Dan: In the beginning…. There was a tree D: This tree grew *Phil laughing in background* Into a – a bigger tree Which was then cut down for timber. Phil: And turned into… D: One day – No! P: A dining table. D: What? No! *Dan freaking out* You’re going too far! Okay, fine! *Phil laughs* D: Then there was a dining table. D: Then Dan and Phil stole the middle of the dining table and they didn’t tell anybody, P: No. D: Cause they used it for their frickin’ gaming channel to make… a Board. P: A Board which birthed: Dan vs Phil. D: The ultimate championship. D: A contest between two humans to fight for supremacy D: Mental agility Physical dexterity Emotional stability P: There were highs. There were lows. D: Most-mostly lows. D: And after *quietly* how-how many years? P: There were winners…. D: And after a long-ass time, and lots of sello-tape, D: And it always looked really bad… D: It is time… for The End. D: *grunts* P: AH! You hit me with it! Both: *laughter* P: Don’t hit me with it! P: *deeply* Hello… *normal* I’m still doing the Intro Voice. *laughs* P: Hello Dan and Phil Games – D: Get into position. D: What the hell is that? P: It’s like a – energy ball from Mortal Kombat. D: Right! P: Yeah. D: You’re firing energy – What’s the energy that Phil – Nervous Energy. P: Erm. D: That’s what you can fire at people. P: Winning Energy. P: *pew pew noises* *explosion noise* D: That is right, everybody! D: We………..*crickets chirping sound effect* *laughs* P: We’ve run out of space on the Board. D: *loud laughter* P: So it’s time. D: A long time ago, we looked at that plank and we were like, “Bitch, there’s no space.” It is the end of the year. P: It’s time to end Dan vs Phil. D; So we thought, “Hey -” P: I just said it. D: “- let’s -” P: *through laughter* I just said it! No need to explain it any more! D: WELL OKAY OKAY FINE! D: Whatever, get the Board. P: Let’s get some sweet mems on the go. D: Since the very beginning of DanandPhilGames… *grunt* D: This has been used to track our battles. D: What are some sweet memories that we have there? P: *talking over Dan* I can’t believe you were the first winner! D: Obviously! Mortal Kombat. Starting off strong! P: Seriously. I think me winning Mario Kart was a big deal! D: That was an upset for me. And Halo 3. D: Buzz. Ran out of printer ink, that’s pretty cool. P: Yeah! D: Just Dance 2, who can forget? D: One of our most popular videos. P: It’s a classic! P: I was very fond of Yasuhati as well, but I don’t think your ears were. D: *mumbling* No, I don’t think any of them have ever recovered from Yasuhati. P: So! It all leads down… P: *millionaire suspense tune* P: To this. D: To the Grand Final. D: One last competition. One game. One video. P: I’m already nervous. D: Will decide: Who is the Ultimate Winner. D: And the prize, you say? P: *laughs* D: Don’t laugh! P: *through laughter* I can’t believe this! Go on! P: *still chuckling* D: This literally took me about an hour! P: I- No, I’m impressed, I’m impressed you made this! P: I went to have a shower, I came back and Dan was covered in glitter. P: *heralding* D: The Crown of Dan vs Phil. P: It’s beautiful! D: “Yes,” I hear you say, “that looks like crap!” D: But it is out of respect to the Aesthetic. P: Yeah. D: “Now, what am I looking at here?” D: You are looking at 12,000 Swarovski cry- No. P: No. D: This is an Ebay cardboard box. P: It is. D: With some jazzy – we were gonna use kitchen foil, but we ran out. P: And you might notice – D: *mumbling* Which is also a metaphor for this channel. P: – some of my ass-dent is still inside it. D: Well, that’s because I crafted D: This is made out of the salvaged corpse, P: Of that. D: Of the Christmas decoration that we had in Gamingmas last year, that Phil crushed with his ass. *sad toot sound effect* P: Yeah. D: Remember that? P: I mean, P: Ah! Oh no! I can feel it! I’m sorry! P: It’s good to recycle! D: Look at – look at what his ass did to this! Look at that! P: It’s a powerful muscle! *laughs* D: You scare me! P: Gluteus Maximus! D: I’ll Ebay this. D: So, I think naturally, I’m already the winner, P: NO! D: Because there’s no way this is gonna fit on Phil’s head! P: We have to do a Final. Game. P: And the game is, we are gonna battle to the Actual Death D: Yeah, We’re just gonna kill each other right now. So here we go. Both: *pretend battle noises* D: Phil, that was very disrespectful, I – P: *fake evil laugh* I will bAtHe in YoUR BloOD D: Just kidding! D: But! This is very serious. P: Cereal! D: If this is the final – P: Serious! D: It’s a cereal eating contest. P: It is! D: I’ve lost. P: *chuckles* D: What are we gonna do? P: Well – D: So many video games. So many genres. P: We thought we could go back to The Beginning of Games. D: This has to be the Ultimate Test – P: Yeah. D: – of human ability. P: Not back to the beginning where it was the Olympics and everyone was naked. D: No. I am not doing a naked Javelin in the same room as you. P: No, that was dangerous! Why are they doing Javelin with everything hanging out!? P: That could- D: Shotput with your shotputs out… P: That could… go somewhere! P: Anyway. We’re going even further back! I think cavemen played this! D: This is going to be a best of three. P: Yeah. D: And we each picked one game. D: One was Phil’s decision. One was my decision. And the final round is something that, if we get there, we each agreed would be the perfect end. P: Yeah. P: The only rule was, it had to be something involving our bodies, and not *record scratch sound effect* D: You’re – you’re making it worse than *unintelligible mumbling* P: a computer game. *laughs* P: First round! D: As decided by Phil. P: Is: The Staring Contest. D: *sharp exhale* P: See, I’ve notoriously been known for not blinking in some of my old videos, P: So I thought I might be good – D: You wear contact lenses! You have artificial eye-moistening devices strapped to your face! P: You should’ve put some in! D: Okay, fine. These were the – these were the rules. P: These were the rules! “Should’ve put some in”? P: Yeah. *laughs* D: Should’ve strapped diving goggles filled with water to my eyes. P: Could’ve sewed your eyelids open. D: Should’ve. P: Right, we’re taking our pla- I’m so nervous! I’ve bee- I’ve- I’ve- I- I- D: This is a big deal! P: I feel like I’m going to be good at this… D: I’m actually scared. P: You’re not allowed to half-blink. D: I don’t want to blow the whole of Dan vs Phil after years of doing this. P: Oh my god! D: The moment we open our eyes – P: AAH! We only get one go! D: We only get one go. P: Christ. D: I don’t care if you – Oh mY gOd I Blinked! I nEEd tO rEsTaRT – D: This is it, okay? D: *mumbling about being in the zone* P: I’m getting nice and moist. I feel it in my eyeballs now. D: *mumbling about also getting moist* P: I should try and make myself cry. Sad dogs. Titanic. Sad dog on Titanic. D: Thinking about…myself. Both: 3…, 2…, 1…, P: You’re doing such snakey eyes! I went for big ones! D: I am reducing the amount of eye – P: Oh wait! I’m gonna try that! D: – exposed to air. P: Does that count? D: I am in pain. P: Poo. D: Really? P: Rats! D: Really? P: Rat poo! D: That eye’s twitching! P: I’m not blinking! I’m just twitching! D: *pained screech* D: CRRRRRRAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!! I’m so shit!!!!! P: *laughing* D: THAT WAS TERRIBLE!!!! P: *through laughs* I was gonna start making you laugh. D: That was AWFUL!! P: Eyeballs of steel! D: We had a staring contest, like, last week P: Yeah… D: And I beat you. P: I know! D: It was the longest I’ve ever had my eyes open in my entire life, P: What happened then? D: I don’t know why, but I stared at you for like a minute. P: Yeah. D: So then when you told me you were doing this, I was like ‘I’ve got this. I don’t know why, but I did this the other week I stared at you for like minute.’ P: *heeheeheehee* P: Round one goes to Philly! D: I’m not surprised. P: Just call me – D: Are you surprised? P: – the King of Moist Balls in my Head. P: That sounded weirder than I wanted to, D: You can have this round. P: But I’m excited! D: I don’t want this round anymore. P: Can I touch the crown? D: noOOO P: I’m touching it. P: It’s closer to me now. P: We will be together soon, my prince. D: Right. Anyway. Now it is time for Round Two. D: My choice. P: What’s your choice? D: Stop enjoying these rolling chairs so much. P: *laughs* D: I have decided that we should have… an Arm Wrestling Contest. P: Oh. God. Really? D: Now, much like the staring contest, this is something that people who’ve watched our videos would know, P: Yeah? D: I am likely to win. So after the last debacle, I think that’s only entirely appropriate. P: I’ve got really weak arms! They’re like noodles! D: You literally don’t have weak arms. You have like, quite big arms, You just are mentally weak, and don’t know how to use your own muscles. P: We’ll see about that! D: That’s honestly what I’d say. P: Buster Howell D: Also like, I don’t like arm wrestling contests, because people always break their arms! *talking over each other* P: I’m scared we’re going to break our arms and they’ll go flying at the camera like Final Destination D: So many people have broken their arms… D: So erm, this could be called off early when I literally snap Phil in half. P: I’m gonna snap your arm off and make some… trees out of it. *laughing* P: I’m not very good at fighting talk, am I? D: No. P: Where are we gonna arm wrestle? D: Well, I thought that we could *grunts* really make the most, oh my god – P: Oh my gosh! D: – out of this! P: This is dangerous! D: Oh yes! Look at this! P: There we go! D: This is recycling. We’ve really made the most of this tree. P: This is how they do it in the underground…dungeons…clubs. D: That’s another kind of wresting. P: Yeah. D: Right! P: Okay. D: Now, the last time we did an arm wrestle, I conceded and let it be a right handed arm wrestle. P: Oh yeah. P: Fine. D: And I still won. P: I do a lot with my left arm! *crickets chirping sound effect* P: *stuttering through laughter* I could arm wrestle with it! P: I’m a little bit ambidextrous, I think. D: I don’t want to touch this. Okay. Fine. D: So both like this. P: Yeah? D: Okay, P: Ow! D: What? *laughter* P: You bumped my elbow! D: You are in control of your own limb!! P: No, you were using my limb, I was like… D: Shut up! P: *unintelligible* D: Whatever, this is an arm wrestle! It isn’t that hard! P: *growls* D: *to Phil* Are you ready? P: No! D: *to camera* Are you ready? P: Wait! D: What? P: 3…, Both: 2…, 1…, P: Dahhah *music starts playing* P: You’re just letting me do – He’s letting me do all the work so I get tired! D: I – P: Look at that. P: Look at that! See?! D: I wasn’t letting you do all the work, P: I know all your tricks! D: I was like, ‘are you really that weak?’ D: Come on! P: Shut up! P: Gahhh! D: *huff of laughter* P: Oh, my arm’s gonna snap off! P: You…said I was really that weak! D: *more laughter* P: Geeee geese! P: Goose mother! D: Wha – stop leaning! P: No! D: YAAAAA!!! *music stops* *Phil laughs* P: Dan just blew a gasket! P: I feel like I used all of the power in my arm. D: I think we literally have exactly the same strength. P: I know! D: I just went into overdrive. P: *laughs* D: I went full Super Saiyan. P: *still laughing* You did! D: I was about to lose then, for a second there! P: We almost caused a black hole! D: I was like: *pflbbbt* D: And I was like, ‘Shit! I’m gonna lose!’ *grunt* And there we go! P: Messed up my arm! D: You know what that means! P: ALL OR NOTHING!!!! D: It’s not – It’s just Round Three of – P: BEST OF THREE!!! D: Yeah, it’s the, it’s the best of three that we predicted would probably happen. P: Why do I just wanna slap you now? I feel like I’m filled with pumped up energy, and I just wanna fight someone! P: Oh, this game? D: No. *slap* D: *gasp* P: *laughs* D: Put your fucking hands forward!!!! P: *still laughing* Well, this isn’t the third game. D: No, no! We’re just doing this for fun now! *laughter* D: Doesn’t count! D: This has been way more intense than I thought it would be! P: I know! D: But it’s very appropriate. *laughs* P: I’ve got very dry eyes and an aching left arm, what’s gonna be next!? D: That’s how you know you’ve had a good time! Both: *laugh* P: Round Three! D: *mumbles* In my eyeball. P: So with Round Three, we agreed what it was going to be, in advance. D: We agreed for this. We both, we knew… D: We said it at the same time. Cause we do this all the time! P: Yeah. *explosion noises* Both: Rock. Paper. Scissors. D: Now! D: If you are not somebody that plays a lot of Rock, Paper, Scissors, you’re probably gonna be like, P: What? D: What, it’s just random! Both: NO! D: It is a mind game. P: It is. P: We know each other so well. We play this for every decision. “D’you wanna go take the bins out?” Rock, Paper, Scissors. “D’you wanna go answer the door?” Rock, Paper, Scissors. “D’you wanna do this?” Rock, Paper, Scissors. D: And – P: So! We’ve got so used to each other’s… P: …little schemes… D: And like, the first one is random. D: Unless somebody does like a, oh yeah, here we go: rock, pa-aper, oOOoohHh. P: Yeah? D: It’s just random. P: It is. D: But then, cause you do best out of three, P: Mmmhmm D: It’s all about saying, What’s the other person gonna do based on that? P: Yeah. D: If they just won, are they gonna repeat it? D: Or do they think they’re gonna repeat it, so the other person’s gonna do the opposite? P: Yeah? D: But then do you then do the opposite of that thinking that they’re going to do that, because – P: Exactly! D: – they were trying to do the opposite of the thing they just did after they won because they did not what you did the first time? THAT P: That’s what it is! D: is Rock, Paper, Scissors. P: And sometimes, Dan puts in little mind sneks like Derren Brown. So he’ll be like, “D’you wann take the bin out?” “It’s full of PapEr.” D: No, I don’t! P: “We should take it down,” D: I do not! P: “cause it’s got so much paper in it.” D: No, no, nonono. D: I do not do that at all! D: What you do, is you’re like, “Yes, let’s play Rock, Paper, Scissors!” “Let’s – are you ready to play some Rock, Paper, Scissors?” *Phil laughs* D: Thinking that I’ll do scissors, then he’s like ‘Ha! got ya!’ P: Have you already decided what you’re going to do first? D: Would you – D: No. P: No? D: No, I’m just gonna feel it. P: What?! D: Impulsively. How’s that throwing you, there? P: I already know! D: No, you don’t. P: I already know what I’m gonna do. D: Shut up! P: I do! D: I think you should admit to them right now, P: What? D: That I win most Rock, Paper, Scissors. P: He does. D: Sometimes. Sometimes. P: I’m- I’m quite scared. P: This is it! D: This is- This is Dan vs Phil! P: All of this gaming – D: This season, P: – has come to this! D: the chapter D: This tournament is at an end! D: This is like the Olympics. P: We’re not naked though. D: Warm up. P: Loosen up my fingers. D: Just warm up my fingers. P: See?! He’s doing little – D: No, I’m not! *laughs* P: – little sneaks! D: *still laughing* I’m winding you up. Alright! P: What’re you doing there? *laughs* D: Okay, right. P: *still laughing* D: Right. Both: 3.., 2..,1.., P: GO! *happy sound* P: Ha ha! P: One to Philly! D: Alright, here we go! Both: 3.., 2.., 1.., GO! *sad trumpet sound* Both: 3.., 2.., 1.., GO! *happy sound* P: Yes! P: Two to Phil! D: Okay. P: If I get the next one, P: It’s best of three! P: It’s best of five, right? D: Yeah… P: So if I get the next one, then I win. *heartbeat background sound* D: Yep. D: OH! WHAT?! Do you see that shit? P: I’m not doing anything! D: Right, here we go. Both: 3.., 2.., 1.., GO! Both: 3.., 2.., 1.., GO! Both: 3.., 2.., 1.., GO! P: Yes! D: NO!! P: *singing the victory theme* D: Noooo! P: *still singing* P: *snip snip snip snip!* D: Absolute annihilation! I have been destroyed! P: You didn’t get one! D: I have been ground into a fine powder, and snorted! P: YES! P: So, I think there’s a – P: What’s something ya need to do now? D: *mumbling* I cannot believe that this has happened! P: I’m gonna go here, and then you’ve got to crown me – D: No, bah bah. P: – and then bow down to me. D: This is a very, very, very – D: I d – P: *laughs* You do! Bow to me, Biatch! D: This is a very formal ceremony – P: Is it? D: – and we will be respectful. P: Have you invited the Queen? D: I’ve invited Your Mum. P: *laughs* No you haven’t. D: Okay Phil, wheel yourself into the center. D (Jessica?): And welcome to the Dan vs Phil Salon! P: Don’t cut my hair! D (J?): And how are you doing today? D: Philip Michael Lester, P: Yes? D: With this Crown D: of Booty Crushed Box, P: *laughs* D: and Festive Fabric D: I henceforth, do rightly crown thee, The Champion and Winner of Dan vs- D: OI! Don’t touch it, you’re ruining it! P: *mumbles something about his head* D: Alright. D: The Winner of Dan vs Phil. P: Yaaass! D: Now prance, King! P: I’m not prancing! You should bow! P: One bow! D: You know when you’re doing History, and you’re like, “Those European Monarchs couldn’t have been that tyrannical…” *Phil laughs* BOW! D: Oh for god’s sake! P: Bow for me! D: Right! There you go! P: YES! P: I wanna thank my mum, I wanna thank… the tree that made that Board. D: Yes. P: I wanna thank everyone that’s watched a Dan vs Phil over four years, and I wanna thank myself for being so great at games. P: And you as well. D: Oh, forge- Thank you! P: Ayyy! D: Awww. P: The Crown has stopped going to my head, here you go. P: Sportsman handshake. D: Oh. Thank you very much. P: AHHHHH! D: niCe To PLay WitH yOu! D: I feel like that Board is like, our most priceless possession now. P: It is. D: We should frame that. P: We should mount it.. on a… larger board. *laughs* D: I never imagined that would be that stressful. P: I know! D: I took that immensely seriously! P: I did! My heart is still pounding! P: Who knew? P: Who knew? D: *chortles* Who knew what? P: That I would win. Both: *laugh* P: What great news! D: Who knew anything?! P: Yeah! D: Not Phil! P: Hope you’ve enjoyed Dan vs Phil over alllll of these years! D: Yes! D: Erm, especially how the introduction to it slowly became a very abstract piece of art that no one could understand. P: I don’t know what you’re talking about. We said it clearly every time. D: *quietly* no, we didn’t. P: Any final words, Daniel? D: It has been an honour to mostly kick your ass, and then lose to a bunch of “All or Nothing”s P: Yaaaaayyy! P: So! Give us a ‘Thumbs Up’ if you’ve enjoyed Dan vs Phil! D: Oh yeah!! P: Subscribe to our channels! D: Do check ’em out! P: Check out our last video. D: Clickety-click! *laughing* D: And Phil? P: All or Nothing is always valid. P: Goodbye!